Lady Loviane and the Thirty Suitors
By Veneficus
It was another dark, foggy night in the City of Qeynos. Nights
like that always make me feel ill when I stay indoors, so I
decided to head out to the edge of Qeynos Plains by the northern
gate. Try as I might, I could not find peace of mind sitting
there... my thoughts collided, and I could not concentrate. So I
began to walk out a little. As I traced a path near the city
walls, an odd sight came into view. It was as if the mist had
formed a orb... dense enough to be nearly opaque.
I calmly walked up to the dense mist, and as I passed through,
I was suddenly in fresh, dry air. I was in some sort of force
bubble, about the size of a room at the Lion's Mane Inn. In the
center of this pleasant little biosphere was a miniature female... I
had never seen a fairy before, so I was visibly amazed. And then
the little creature spoke:
"I wouldn't gape at me like that too long... your face might
freeze that way, or a bug might fly in."
"Um... pleased to meet you... milady." I stammered.
"Nice to meet you too... my name is Fiala."
"My name's Ven... my apologies for staring at you like that... but I
have never seen a girl with wings before."
She was very nice about me being so lacking in knowledge... she
invited me to sit down with her, and proceeded to explain to me
all about fairies. I learned a great deal about her race, and
the land to the east known as "Faydwer". When the lesson was
done, I offered her a muffin and some milk... and while we ate (and
I still cannot figure out how she devoured a muffin that was her
own height that fast) we chatted some more. It was then that I
heard the mysterious fable.
"So", I said, "what are you doing so far from home?"
"I am a traveling musician... I believe you humans call it a... bard", she replied.
I nodded and smiled. "So, do you know any good stories?"
"ALL my stories are good stories. I always like to tell the
one about the warrior who tamed a wolf."
"I think I heard that one."
She looked a little upset then, and her voice had more of an
edge to it. "What about the story of "The Suicidal Gnoll That
Could?"
"Everyone in Qeynos knows that one."
She stuck out her tongue at me, but then her eyes lit up.
"What about Lady Loviane and the Thirty Suitors?"
That title caught my interest, so I said, "Sounds
interesting... I'd love to hear it", and leaned back a bit as she
pulled out her miniature lute.
"This one is set right here in Qeynos." She said.
Lady Loviane and the Thirty Suitors
(In no way related to "Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves")
It was another overcast, foggy day five years ago, on this same
date. Most of the citizens of Qeynos were holed up in their
houses, stuck with little or nothing to do.
Trumpy Irontoe was outside by the docks, however... yelling
angrily at passing seagulls in a wholly inebriated state.
"You seagulls will all... *hic*... feel the wrath of Kane... you'll
see...ya... WHOA... here comes the ship!"
The regular passenger ship from Erudin pulled into the dock... and
as the gangplank was thrown down, Trumpy beheld a sight powerful
enough to divert him from his drunken attacks on the local
seabirds.
A vision of divine loveliness carefully stepped down the plank
onto the dock. She was a Half Elf, wearing the intricate uniform
of a bard, and carrying a bag and a finely-crafted lute. Her
hair was like folds of silk, framing a face that would put most
goddesses to shame. Her eyes were the kind that mesmerize men
into states of blissful hypnosis. Her body was a work of art;
she was not too thin, or too tall, like some Half Elf females,
and she held herself with grace and elegance. Everything about
her was simple, stunning perfection.
Trumpy really didn't care about any of that... through his drunken
eyes, he actually saw a dwarf woman.
"Hay thar babe, wanna go buy me a drink?"
Lady Loviane nonchalantly kicked Trumpy into the wall of a
building, out of reflex. She put such great force behind the
kick that Trumpy was knocked cold, and the noise reverberated
through the walls of the edifice, which happened to be the
waterfront pub, "Fish's Ale".
So fierce was the shock wave that Fish Renamer, the bar's
proprietor, was jarred from the peaceful slumber that
characterized the hours of his monthly vacation day.
"When I get a hold of the person who woke me up...and if it's
that tax collector again, I'm going to take those coins and jam
them..."
As Fish came outside, he was captivated by Lady Loviane's
beauty as well, and he stood there, mouth agape, as Trumpy began
to come to.
Lady Loviane was already halfway out of South Qeynos before she
noticed the crowd of men following her. There was Trumpy, Fish,
Micc Koter and Klieb Torne (career drunks), McNeal Jocub (who
kept offering her strange beer that smelled like dog fur), Bruno
Barstomper, Behroe Dlezon (who later sang of Lady Loviane as "The
Thornless Rose"), Wrannith Gannstad, Captain Rohand, Vicus Nonad,
the barbarian Dun (who left the bank unguarded, and returned to
find it quite empty), Jusean Evanesque, and a handful of assorted
others who had crawled out of their hiding places to join the
procession. Even the stolid Lieutenant Arathur had joined the
parade, along with Captain Tillin and the North Qeynos guard.
When asked later why he had left his post, he excused the tagging
along as "making sure a riot did not start", but his childlike
behavior during the whole escapade speaks otherwise.
Lady Loviane made her way through Qeynos towards the gates,
pursued by a steadily increasing mob. Moodoro Finharn actually
moved from his spot to follow the crowd. And when Crow suddenly
noticed that the incessant ranting of the Erudian sorceror was
missing, he came outside to investigate, only to see Lady Loviane
and chase mindlessly. Lady Loviane managed to lose some of her
"followers" temporarily by heading in one door of "Sneed
Galliway's Trading Post" and coming out the other...but gained
one when Sneed Galliway threw off his apron and joined the
parade. Phin Erisnap tried to push his way to the front of the
group to offer Lady Loviane a pink bandana, and Nerissa
Clothspinner pitched a fit when the two warriors who were going
to help her contact her sister walked off as well, with glazed
eyes and ear-to-ear grins. Kane violently slammed the door of
the guard post open to see what all the noise was, but the minute
he saw the Half Elf princess, he forgot what he was angry about
and followed her with the others like a lost puppy. Some even
say that the reclusive Antonius Bayle was seen in the procession,
but it was never confirmed, as nearly everyone was watching Lady
Loviane.
So as Lady Loviane finally reached the front gates, she had a
total of thirty men from all around the City of Qeynos swamping
her, asking her for a date, where she lived, and even proposing
marriage on the spot. The constant hum of the love-crazed men
began to grate more and more on her, until she suddenly snapped
and turned on them all, with fire in her eyes. Lady Loviane
vehemently tore open her backpack, and produced a giant wooden
mallet, and yelled, "I am going to flatten all of you perverts in
the name of Tunare!" This angered the men, and they all ran
forth to grab her... it looked as if a massive battle was going to
be waged... and then...
Fippy Darkpaw addressed the self-appointed "Gnoll Liberation
Army" just past the sign marker on the path to Qeynos.
"Troops," he howled, "today is the day we strike back... today is
the day we take back what is rightfully ours. By throwing myself
to the guards repeatedly over the past six months, I have
acquired enough defensive data on the city of Qeynos to know that
NOW is the time to strike... the Qeynos Militia will all be in a
position that leaves the Northern Gates TOTALLY unguarded."
Fippy turned toward the city, and his voice raised a notch, to a
fervent yell.
You humans have RAVAGED our homelands for only SO LONG! Today,
WE, the Darkpaws of the Sabertooth Clan, reclaim this land as
OURS! BAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRKKKKKKKK!!!"
The Gnoll army went wild with excitement--howling, barking,
screaming Fippy's name with unparalleled insanity...until Fippy
suddenly held a hand up, bringing his troops to dramatic silence.
Fippy's eyes narrowed malevolently, his face became grim, and
his dark sillhouette was framed by a sudden flash of lightning.
"...charge the gates, my brethren."
Lady Loviane began to think as she dodged the crazed men. She
really had to get to Freeport to catch the ship, and beyond that
it was still a large walk to Kelethin. To make matters worse,
the arduous task of getting through Qeynos had taken the last of
the daylight hours, and night was encroaching rapidly upon
Norrath. Although the idea of beating all these men senseless
appealed to her, she would rather avoid the situation.
And she got her chance, as Fippy and his gnoll army mindlessly
charged straight at her and the crowd.
Fippy was visibly shaken by the sight of practically every
capable defender of Qeynos sitting right in the path of his
onslaught. "Impossible! My carefully compiled data, my network
of spies...no matter! We shall be VICTORIOUS!"
The guards fell upon the gnolls before Fippy's cries of "HELP",
"RETREAT", and "RUN" could be heeded, and were quickly
slaughtered... but when the dust cleared, Lady Loviane was nowhere
to be found. The lovesick men searched for the rest of the day,
to no avail. One rumor is that Fippy, who had escaped yet again
unscathed, had kidnapped her. Others say that her amazing skills
as a bard allowed her the magic power to hide. And then there
are those who say she was called back to the heavens because she
was a goddess... a theory not nearly as farfetched as the one where
she hid in a Queen Klicnik costume until things blew over.
"Ack, Lady Fiala, I think you have had enough of that sugar-
glazed muffin, with those farfetched conclusions."
"Perhaps... but what did you think of the story?"
"It was excellent, albeit a bit strange. Your performance
enhanced it greatly. But what really happened to Lady Loviane?
She sounds like an interesting person to meet."
"Who knows?"
"I can hear it in your voice... I think you know..."
"All right. She's right behind you." Fiala glanced over my
shoulder, and unfortunate reflexes made me glance as well... and
when I turned back, I was alone in the little pocket of fog-free
space.
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